The last man entering an elevator going up goes to the lowest floor.
- Dimple Venigalla
Browse Murphy's Laws
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No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, it will be sold somewhere cheaper after buying it.
An alarm clock can cause even the most passive of us to become violent.
- Brad Johnson
The least irritating alarm is the most inefficient.
- Brad Johnson
Never argue with a fool; people might not know the difference.
- Brad Johnson
Dilbert principle: Ineffective employees are promoted to management to minimize harm.
- Ralph
Grey's Law: Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
Team Kit: When the last kid on your team has purchased the team kit, the club will change colours.
- Sean
Wirth's law: Software is getting slower more quickly than hardware is getting faster
Peter principle: Employees rise to their level of incompetence.
Medals are OK, but having your body and friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
- Jim
You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone.
- Adrian Piñeiro
Nothing is right. Therefore, if everything is going right, something is wrong.
Van Loon's law: Mechanical development is inversely related to the availability of slave labor.
- Natalie
Corollary: Smashing an alarm clock to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension.
- Brad Johnson
The snooze bar is the greatest invention by man.
- Brad Johnson
- Ringo
- Ringo
Laws without a category
- Smashing an alarm clock to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension
- If you read the timetable correctly, it's outdated
- If you're late, the bus was early
- Comment
- If you are late, the bus will be on time
- Buses traveling in exactly opposite directions go empty
- That happens always when you're stuck in the mud
- Your passenger gets angry at that time, because they have to get out to turn them
- washing a car to make it rain will cause a drought
- Unless there is a floor drain
- A huge insect will splotch on your windscreen within one minute after you exit the carwash
- On the side of the car closest to the traffic speeding past
- It will be a school bus that will make frequent and sudden stops
- The two cars are going in opposite directions, and
- They will always meet at the bridge
- Regardless of how fast you go, someone behind you is in a hurry
- Regardless of how fast you go, someone will delay you
- The probability of 1 and 2 happening simultaneously is directly proportional to the amount of oncoming...
- The vehicle with the most mass has the automatic right of way
- The oldest vehicle has the automatic right of way
- The cheapest vehicle has the automatic right of way
- The vehicle with the most collisions has the automatic right of way
- The vehicle with the cheapest insurance deductible has the automatic right of way
- The vehicle with the largest driver has the automatic right of way
- The vehicle with the most suspected firearms on board has the automatic right of way
- The vehicle with the most factual firearms on board has the automatic right of way
- Problems you can't work on will be on the test
- If you memorize information, it will be useless
- If you don't study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading in your textbooks from...
- The best time to ask for a raise is when everything has gone wrong and your boss is panicking
- Never ask for a raise after you have completed a project
- If you do it right the first time, you will not be asked to resolve the problem and therefore will not be...
- The need for it to be done
- The number of people who are relying on that person to do it
- The number of open service windows at banks, post offices, airline counters, etc., always equals \[n/2...
- The simpler and quicker your transaction, the more complex and time-consuming the transaction of the...
- This was contained within a reply from a Retail Credit Account Analyst of a major Banking Establishment
- A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it has no bugs
- At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization
- A subtle bug will modify storage, masquerading as another problem
- A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately
- Marketing should not be located in the same city, much less on the same campus as Engineering and/or...
- End-users' Corollary 1
- End-users' Corollary 2
- The bug will disappear if you call another programmer to see if he knows what's wrong. Bussell
- The bug will reappear once the other programmer returns to his seat
- rm -rf does it better
- If the troubleshooting guide has an answer to your problem, it will always be the last solution you will read
- the chances the answer will solve the problem are inversely proportional to the gravity of the problem
- If it's not Microsoft's fault - Blame them anyway :-)
- The risk of disconnecting from the Internet is directly related to the file size, the Internet connection...
- The risk of a computer crash is directly related to the file size, internet connection speed, disk size...
- If the file did download, the probability that it is useless or invalid is directly proportional to the...
- The probability of a power fluctuation is directly proportional to the download percentage
- Any version
- ACPI shutdown (sometimes faster to get to than the plug) does not always work
- ACPI shutdowns will fail frequently when you risk being caught doing something
- Corrally
- Always try substituting Old Western Texas Poets Sonneteer Society for Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club
- while shooting the longest and hardest scene
- The cowboy will try to load it anyway
- the week you're gone will be the "week from hell" you must catch up on
- Any patient who chooses to go to jail instead of the hospital has probably been in my rig
- Until you pass a police cruiser, it will be entirely too fast
- If you respond to an "officer down" call, travelling fast enough is physically impossible
- No call will be received if you have just gone to the Bathroom
- If you have not yet gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it
- The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since the last visit to...
- The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a dispatcher
- Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a dispatcher probably isn't
- If a street name can be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it
- If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it
- A dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner possible. For example...
- Field Supervisors have no business in the Field
- The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management
- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand
- It must be intuitively obvious if you don't understand it
- If you can understand it, you probably don't
- Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations furthest from mean sea level
- If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out
- Never turn your back on a Proctologist
- Ambulance Sirens can cause acute, total, but transient, deafness
- Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. Note: This Rule does not apply in...
- No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment
- It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in
- A vital piece of equipment will be missing
- Treat any rookie assigned to your unit as if you were a bystander. See The First Rule of Bystanders
- This applies to everything
- If there is no hidden flaw, it's against the rules
- If it isn't against the rules, one player will convince the others it is
- If they make a check to see it, they will fail
- Any clues will be misunderstood as insults, jokes, or just plain missed
- They will all die if they do not kill him within the first three rounds
- Pick one
- If a third option is provided, one of the first two will be chosen
- Any technical picture has over a thousand bugs
- A single picture has more bugs than can be described with a thousand words
- While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of...
- Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the crew's morale
- The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red
- It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of: S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in...
- Thus, the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered
- Any combination of these can be deadly
- Unless your mercs get hurt
- There's no cover if the game wants you to get hit
- Corollary 1
- Corollary 2
- Corollary 3
- This will happen when the contracts of your top mercs are due for renewal and you just spent your savings...
- Your last real safe is from Drassen on Day 3
- Neither AIM nor MERC has a refund policy
- If you're actually in range for throwing a grenade at him and attempt it, it will bounce off the one lone...
- Corollary 1
- Corollary 2
- Unless your mercs are the target
- The next sector will contain tanks
- This will invite his friends, who will geek you by the dozens
- It can
- MacGillicuddy's Corollary
- It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault without breaking the fix on one or more others
- The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long
- Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem
- If you're looking for more than one thing, you'll find the most important one last
- It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but it is never discovered on...
- Relativistic correction of Murphy's law: Whether things can go wrong or not, it depends on your frame of...
- Ill luck is absolute. Whatever your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway
- Nothing is worth doing
- Translation
- The more space you have, the more junk you'll have
- It is possible for everything to get dirty and nothing to get clean
- If something is likely to happen AND desirable, it won't happen
- Every day is a Murphy Day
- Anonymous comment
- Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring
- Don't want the attention of said person and/or
- Are already dating someone else
- The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper
- Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil
- Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call
- Those who want you as a partner, you do not want
- If they want to dump you, they will
- (wo)man = time + money
- time = money
- (wo)man = money2
- Money = √evil (money is the root of evil)
- man = evil
- It will not roll if it falls on shag carpeting and is small enough to hide
- Even the most repulsive
- Everything that is measurable is too small
- Generalization
- The person you'll ask won't have any either
- If they have gum, it will be in a flavor that you don't like
- Also applies to thugs, mobsters, gangs, and superheroes
- This law still applies when you move next door
- Following that, it will try to bounce to the other foot, with a 50% chance of success
- When dinner is late, your spouse is on time
- Alternately, Everything that you do is wrong
- Chris Corollary
- The Law of Complexity is recursive
- Comment
- If you notice that one of the laws you read came from a different source, it was either completely...
- Every fish will eventually die
- A child will only ask for a glass of milk after you put the milk carton back in the refrigerator
- All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are...
- If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear
- The one you pick up will be lower quality
- Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
- The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought
- The instrument will belong to a first chair player
- They will not stick when the conductor tries them
- They will stick again when the student resumes playing
- If you throw something, you need it the next day
- It is usually the same person
- This happens even when you plan the return time by an extra hour
- Cues will not be provided
- If provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section
- It will usually be the same player
- The folder will not have a name if it is not for the same player
- You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked
- It will be the child of the head teacher
- A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly
- All three perform before you do, and play it better
- He will play fortissimo
- He will play out of tune
- Residents always poop on your brand-new shoes
- You always remember when you get back to the other end
- You hear about the perfect job the day after accepting another
- The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
- The day before, it worked fine
- If the CD drive is working, the CD would be corrupted
- Somebody would be talking to his girlfriend on the only long-distance line
- When you call back, they won't be available
- When you don't have much work, all your colleagues will be busy
- If a pen will write, you wouldn't find a piece of paper within reach
- After you run out of gas, you'll remember that the nearest gas station is at least 5 miles away
- The wrong form is not discovered until it has been signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered
- Once the right form has been filled out, signed by all parties concerned, sealed, and delivered, it turns...
- Neither are you Herb Ritz
- Everything always fails on location
- The world is full of dangerous amateurs
- When animals are ready
- When you're not
- Same rule, just substitute animals with children
- The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction
- When exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot
- Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see
- Corollary 1
- Corollary 2
- Corollary 1
- Corollary 2
- Scout leaders are always right
- If they are not, rule number 1 is activated
- Opposite sides attract
- If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed
- If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state
- When you can occasionally schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends...
- Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course
- If given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live
- If the test is online, you will forget your password
- If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective
- The most important page will be torn out if available
- The source for an unattributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of your work
- The more specific a title is, the less you can apply it later
- It will be Saturday and not open until Monday
- Your half-finished term paper is due Monday morning, and all your research will be inside
- If attendance is optional, an exam will produce people you have never seen before
- Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more
- Addendum
- The likelihood of an object's disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across...
- When you get the ones you want, they change their ways and decide to make the class hard
- Great discoveries are made by mistake
- Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable
- The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday
- Not always
- Only by the splatter of bloodstains
- The worst thing you can hear the tech say is "oh s**t!"
- Comment
- If the boss is wrong, return to the rule
- if it works in practice, it won't work in theory
- Any project that can consume more resources before reaching its final state will do so
- It will happen faster than you think
- The investors will not be happy
- All impossible failures will happen on the client's desktop
- The cost and availability of a replacement part are inversely proportional to the price of the whole...
- The more potential a food has for stains, the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes
- Especially food
- If enough people complain, they'll bring you back and piss off the continuity-worshipping fan-boys
- There are no original characters, just stereotypes that have yet to become prominent
- Your inner workings are not stressed to withstand hits by directed energy weaponry
- You're the exception, since you're unpopular and will be phased out of the series
- The player of the most powerful character will complain about a lack of realism
- You'll have to write it yourself
- The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who...
- When they're ready
- The Ol' Ranger's addendum
- When you are low on supplies & ammo, the enemy decides to attack that night
- Comment
- When he's not there, when you're not there, or both
- All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have small pieces of fish in them
- AKs also use green tracers, which means "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out."
- Comment
- Never be first
- Never be last
- Never volunteer for anything