Murphy's Cops Laws

Bulletproof vests - aren't.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick, and choke harder, too.
How fast you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
Tear gas works on cops, too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
High-speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
Flash suppressors don't really.
If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the wrong house's door.
If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than the bad guys he swings at.
Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area with few available weapons (e.g., the living room) to an area with many available weapons (e.g., the kitchen).
If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.
Bullets work on veteran cops, too. They also work on weightlifters, martial arts experts, department sharpshooters, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes, some dumb civilian will pull alongside you and ask for directions.
You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights, and you can.
There will always be more 'bad guys' than 'good guys' on any call.
Corrally: The farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper get.
Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
The better you do your job, the more likely you will be shot, injured, complained about, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If one biker is "holed up" in a home, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you. Sent by Fred Beeman.
Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority; they see lunch. Sent by Ryan Parton.
Laser sights work both ways. Sent by Oxender, Chad, SSgt 321 ESPTS/SFS.
Cops arrive late to the crime scene. Sent by Ishola Stephen.
The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waistline. Sent by Zain
The number of people locking their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is. Sent by Christina N.
Generally, a person's innocence is often opposed to how much they insist they are. Sent by Darrell A. Pierce.
Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will be near enough to see it happen. Sent by Lloupiermuingz.
Swiderski's Law: Every thorough investigation leads to confusion. Sent by Gregory Swiderski.
Your testimony in court is unnecessary until you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
Always give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
The further away the call is into the sticks, the more likely you are to need a restroom after you are back in service.
Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the sergeant, who doesn't want to be called.
On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are standing around doing nothing, and could have gone themselves.