Murphy's EMT Laws

Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.

Examine all chest clutches first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.

The more equipment you see on an EMT's belt, the newer they are.

You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.

The Rule of Rules: An exception immediately occurs when an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute.

- Ted Fisher

The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.

For rookie EMTs behind the wheel: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.

The Rule of Rookies: When expressed numerically, the true value of any rookie EMT will always be a negative number. This number may be found by simply having the rookie grade their ability on a scale from 1 to 10.

The Law of Show-And-Tell: A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

The Rule of Warning Devices: Any Ambulance with lights and sirens, whether responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, will be ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs that may be found in or near the roads along its route.

The Second Rule of Bystanders: Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.

The First Rule of Bystanders: Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Rules of Non-Transport: A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of a patient who has just thrown you out of their house. The seriousness of this will increase as the trial date approaches. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

The Paramedical Theory of Weight: The weight of the patient you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors that must be ascended to reach the patient, plus the number of floors that must be descended while carrying the patient.

The Paramedical Theory of Relativity: The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

The Paramedical Law of Space: The space needed to treat a patient varies inversely with the available space.

The Paramedical Law of Light: As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Law of EMS Evaluators: Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.

The Law of EMS Educators: Those who can't do, teach.

The Law of Protocol Directives: The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".

The First Law of EMS Supervisors: Given the equation: X-Y = Quality of Care, where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X".

The Gross Injury Rule: Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4s and Kerlix.

The First Principle of Triage: In any accident, a patient's degree of injury is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming that patient produces.

Basic Assumption About Dispatchers' Law: Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not they know where that may be.

Paramedical Law of Bathroom: If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.