Murphy's EMT Laws

The Rule of Rules: An exception immediately occurs when an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute. Sent by Ted Fisher.

- Ted Fisher

Corollary: Treat any rookie assigned to your unit as if you were a bystander. See The First Rule of Bystanders.

The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.

For rookie EMTs behind the wheel: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.

For rookie EMTs' medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Johnny or Roy.

The Rule of Rookies: When expressed numerically, the true value of any rookie EMT will always be a negative number. This number may be found by simply having the rookie grade their ability on a scale from 1 to 10.

Corollary: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.

Corollary: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.

Corollary: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.

The Law of Show-And-Tell: A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

Corollary: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. Note: This Rule does not apply in California, where pedestrians and motorists are oblivious to all traffic laws.

Corollary: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute, total, but transient, deafness.

The Rule of Warning Devices: Any Ambulance with lights and sirens, whether responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, will be ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs that may be found in or near the roads along its route.

Corollary: Never turn your back on a Proctologist.

The Second Rule of Bystanders: Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.

The First Rule of Bystanders: Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Rules of Non-Transport: A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of a patient who has just thrown you out of their house. The seriousness of this will increase as the trial date approaches. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

Corollary: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.

Corollary: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations furthest from mean sea level.

The Paramedical Theory of Weight: The weight of the patient you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors that must be ascended to reach the patient, plus the number of floors that must be descended while carrying the patient.

The Paramedical Theory of Relativity: The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

The Paramedical Law of Space: The space needed to treat a patient varies inversely with the available space.

The Paramedical Law of Light: As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Law of EMS Evaluators: Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.

The Law of EMS Educators: Those who can't do, teach.