Murphy's EMT Laws

Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round. Any variation on this is bad.
Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.
The more equipment you see on an EMT's belt, the newer they are.
Examine all chest clutches first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.
It was wrong if it felt good to say it when dealing with citizens.
All bleeding stops. Eventually.
You can't cure stupidity.
If it's wet and sticky and not yours - leave it alone!
"Riding shotgun" does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles.
Avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare.
EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
Every emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
A good tape job will fix almost anything.
Yuppies involved in accidents complain about how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
It's not a compliment when Policemen say you're crude, crass & cynical.
The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the patient's weight.
Turret-mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon.
"textbook case" - isn't.
You've come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm.
Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had.
Your social skills will be lacking if all your anecdotes deal with blood.
Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
Nothing is as scary as a quiet child.
Don't place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient.
You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients.
It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security.
Corollary: Any patient who chooses to go to jail instead of the hospital has probably been in my rig.
The First Rule of Equipment: Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until you need it to save a life, or the salesman leaves.
The Second Rule of Equipment: Interchangeable parts don't, leak-proof seals will, and self-starters won't.
The First Law of Ambulance Operation: No matter how fast you drive when responding to a call, it is never fast enough.
Corollary: Until you pass a police cruiser, it will be entirely too fast.
Corollary: If you respond to an "officer down" call, travelling fast enough is physically impossible.
Paramedical Law of Bathroom: If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.
Corollary: No call will be received if you have just gone to the Bathroom.
Corollary: If you have not yet gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it.
Corollary: The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since the last visit to the bathroom.
Basic Assumption About Dispatchers' Law: Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not they know where that may be.
Corollary: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a dispatcher.
Corollary: Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a dispatcher probably isn't.
Corollary: If a street name can be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary: If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary: A dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner possible. For example, "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a mall.
The First Principle of Triage: In any accident, a patient's degree of injury is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming that patient produces.
The Gross Injury Rule: Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4s and Kerlix.
The First Law of EMS Supervisors: Given the equation: X-Y = Quality of Care, where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X".
Corollary: Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
Corollary: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Corollary: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The Law of Protocol Directives: The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
Corollary: It must be intuitively obvious if you don't understand it.
Corollary: If you can understand it, you probably don't.
The Law of EMS Educators: Those who can't do, teach.
The Law of EMS Evaluators: Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate.
The Paramedical Law of Light: As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.
The Paramedical Law of Space: The space needed to treat a patient varies inversely with the available space.
The Paramedical Theory of Relativity: The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
The Paramedical Theory of Weight: The weight of the patient you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors that must be ascended to reach the patient, plus the number of floors that must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
The Rules of Non-Transport: A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of a patient who has just thrown you out of their house. The seriousness of this will increase as the trial date approaches. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.
The First Rule of Bystanders: Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
The Second Rule of Bystanders: Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise.
Corollary: Never turn your back on a Proctologist.
The Rule of Warning Devices: Any Ambulance with lights and sirens, whether responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, will be ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs that may be found in or near the roads along its route.
Corollary: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute, total, but transient, deafness.
Corollary: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. Note: This Rule does not apply in California, where pedestrians and motorists are oblivious to all traffic laws.
The Law of Show-And-Tell: A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
Corollary: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
Corollary: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
Corollary: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
The Rule of Rookies: When expressed numerically, the true value of any rookie EMT will always be a negative number. This number may be found by simply having the rookie grade their ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
For rookie EMTs' medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Johnny or Roy.
For rookie EMTs behind the wheel: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value.
Corollary: Treat any rookie assigned to your unit as if you were a bystander. See The First Rule of Bystanders.
The Rule of Rules: An exception immediately occurs when an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute. Sent by Ted Fisher.