Murphy's Love Laws

All the good ones are taken.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away they are from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero. Sent by Van Den Bossche Jochen.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can't buy love, but it gives you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
The good ones die first. Sent by Henry.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her without hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she stops listening.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates between shy and ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you have to kiss many frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets the most cover.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Anonymous comment: The person who said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all NEVER loved and lost!
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be watched than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman if he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugliness goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad; stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Nothing improves with age.
An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part". Sent by Leesa.
When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen.
When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears. Sent by David.
It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one. Sent by David.
Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single. Sent by David.
If your heart is broken, sweep the pieces. There will always be someone who wants to put it back together. Sent by David.
Love and high school must NEVER go together. Sent by GonzRock.
If a man speaks deep in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? Sent by Ray Williams.
Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will.
It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex.
You get the best sex from the worst one for you.
Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed. Sent by Jack Betz.
No one is as fascinating as they think. Sent by Jack Betz.
If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't.
Corollary: You will later learn that your lack of belief caused it to fail. Sent by Greg.
The duration of a relationship with a person is inversely proportional to the person's importance to you. Sent by Sweatpup.
The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. Sent by Finding Forrester.
The two things no man can ever understand are women and what makes all men complete damn fools over women. Sent by Jack Betz.
Love makes believers of us all. Translation: Love obscures common sense. Sent by Greg.
Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague. Sent by Greg.
If you go behind a girl, you are heading into trouble. Sent by Pradeep S.
In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners. Sent by Jack Betz.
When with your girlfriend, you will always have gas. Sent by Steve Barrett.
Celibacy is not hereditary. Sent by King Ed.
The hornier someone is, the less likely they are to have sex.
Corollary: Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring. Sent by David.
The man shall not win the argument he started. Sent by David.
The man shall not win the argument he didn't start. Sent by David.
If a man won an argument, it was just in his head. Sent by David.
Try as you might, there will still be times when men are just assholes. We can't help it, and we're sorry. Sent by David.
A lover will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly, despite the embarrassment factor. Sent by David.
When all else fails, have hope. Sent by David.
Eichel's Rule - During sex, try to sweat. Sent by Bird Waring.
In Romance and Finance, we play with Figures. Sent by Asim Qadri.
A cauliflower resembles a rose if your eyesight is not 6/6. Sent by Asim Qadri.
Before falling in love, take your backup; it always helps recover. Sent by Asim Qadri.
If a man has it, he won't want it, the guy who buys it won't use it, the guy who uses it could give a shit about it, so don't give a shit, and you will have it all. Sent by Ervin the Dray, USA
Love has all the answers. But until then, sex raises some good questions. Sent by Vic.
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off. Sent by Natalie.
Anticipation is 98% of fun. Sent by Judester.
The number of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to everything about you, such as intelligence. Sent by Albert Yao.
A close friend will grab their attention if you are interested in someone. This is especially likely if they:
Don't want the attention of said person and/or
Are already dating someone else
Sent by Jamie
The ABC rule: If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than with C. B and C are often the same person. Sent by Randall Wald.
The uglier the girl, the closer she lives. Sent by Doug.
If anything happens on the first date, you won't have a condom. Sent by Doug.
Pencil size is not as important as writing quality. Sent by Scott.
Corollary: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper. Sent by Scott.
Corollary: Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil. Sent by Scott.
Marriage is the greatest level. Sent by Prashant Talnikar.
Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t.
If you're having difficulties choosing between two potential girls, you'll always choose the wrong one.
If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
If a girl tells you, "Let's stay friends," she won't call you again. If you call, she won't answer. Sent by The Sorokman.
You'll always catch a fever before the first date. Sent by The Sorokman.
Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors. Sent by The Big Boss.
Or in another version: Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind, but the neighbors ain't. Sent by Shannon.
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener. Sent by Frepp.
Regarding love and loss, doing the right thing always hurts. Sent by Nicole Pedroza.
Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy. Sent by Eric Guilbault.
When your girlfriend says you have to talk, the relationship is over. Sent by Eric Guilbault.
The day you decide to tell your girlfriend you could not live without her, she will leave you the next day. Sent by Eric Guilbault.
Your best friend stops being your best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her. Sent by Eric Guilbault.
The more you want a woman, the less she will like you. Sent by Eric Guilbault.
When she says, "Don't buy me anything expensive," and you listen, expect to be single. Sent by Steve.
Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her. Sent by Bill.
If you marry a beautiful girl, she'll turn into her mother.
If you marry a plain girl, she'll turn into her dad. Sent by Jim T..
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. But they never said anything about their daughter. Sent by Edgar.
The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love, will invariably hate you. Sent by Acacia Anderson.
The best men (or women) are always taken--or crazy. Sent by Acacia Anderson.
When you take your time getting ready, your date will arrive 20 minutes early; when you're on time, they're 30 minutes late. Sent by Acacia Anderson.
You will get married as soon as you break up with the man (or woman) who couldn't commit to you. Sent by Acacia Anderson.
Good women/men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken. Sent by Ryan Shuck.
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation; it feels good until you realize you're just fucking yourself. Sent by Ryan Shuck.
Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention and cost much money.
Men are like buses: another will eventually come. Sent by Neil.
Never forget: Don't fuck Mrs. Murphy! Sent by Dave Holloway.
Kracke/Malenka Law: Good from far, far from good. Sent by Warneke.
Walter/Kerwin Law: Any good-looking person you see that isn't alone will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn't deserve to be with them. Sent by Warneke.
The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other's best friend. Sent by Bangi.
No woman or man is better than two. Sent by Bangi.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question - YES is the answer. Sent by Ross Henderson.
Romance is when common sense goes out the window.
Being told you're the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death. Sent by Ryan Shuck.
Everybody is most horny when alone. Sent by Timothy Boilard.
Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed. Sent by Murphy.
Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call. Sent by Murphy.
The other side's lawyers are always better than yours. Sent by Murphy.
The partner you want doesn't want you. Sent by Argiris.
Corollary: Those who want you as a partner, you do not want. Sent by Argiris.
Any "Why" question has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical. Sent by Alexandra.
Love will make people do stupid things. Sent by Nicolina DiRuscio.
Loving someone too much may cause a restraining order. Sent by Nicolina DiRuscio.
If you love a person, let them go. If they don't come back, they aren't worth it. Sent by Nicolina DiRuscio.
Sex ends all interest. Sent by Nicolina DiRuscio.
Cute now equals annoying later. Sent by Nicolina DiRuscio.
Not everything takes longer than you expect. Sent by Suresh.
It's only kinky the first time you do it. Sent by Brian Clinton.
Halmos' law: To get your significant other, you need Time, Money, and Energy. The sum of the three is constant. You need many of the remaining two if you are short of one. If you are short of two, you need a tremendous amount of the remaining one. If you are short of all three, no hope. Otherwise, the result is always success. Sent by Tony Halmos, Age 67.
The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship. Sent by Ana M.
You don't pay for sex; you pay them to leave after you're done. Sent by Ryan Shuck.
Beach law: If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it. Sent by Sylvain Galibert.
Seduction law: Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce. Sent by Sylvain Galibert.
The smartest statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. i.e., during a make-out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person. Sent by David Poole.
You never truly know a significant other until you meet them in court. Sent by Bob.
No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem, there's always someone out there who's sick and tired of their s**t, too. Sent by Bob.
The boyfriend of the girl you like is an asshole. Sent by C.
If they want to dump you, they will find a reason. Sent by Anjana G. Ranasooriya.
Corollary: If they want to dump you, they will. Sent by Anjana G. Ranasooriya.
The Love Math Law:
(wo)man = time + money
time = money
(wo)man = money2
Money = √evil (money is the root of evil)
man = evil Sent by AFsoldier, who knows the math doesn't hold, but it's funny.
Marriage is like a dog with a bone. He might not touch it, but he just doesn't let other dogs come near it. Sent by Airbornemonty.
Everything that glitters is not WET. Sent by Ashish Chandra.
When you finally bed the attractive blond, they'll nick your wallet and watch, unless you owe them fifty quid. Sent by Ed Smith.
Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life. Sent by Asking Duncan.
Albert Einstein's Law of Gravity: Gravity cannot be blamed for two people falling in love. Sent by John A. Oxford.
The difference between love and the common cold is that there is a vaccine for the common cold. Sent by Takura Razemba.
The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couples is Persona-polarization: The most beautiful women in the world always marry the most ugly men.
The Carmen Electra/ Dennis Rodman corollary: The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world. Sent by Bob Schreib Jr.
If you love them, they don't love you. Sent by Stefan Farkas.
If you are in love, they aren't. Sent by Stefan Farkas.
If you want love, you don't get it. Sent by Stefan Farkas.
If a beautiful wo/man loves you, it's fake. Sent by Stefan Farkas.
If you are happy together, wait till you are married. Sent by Stefan Farkas.
The quiet ones always have the two dozen corpses in their basements. Sent by Bo Zhang.
Love can be your best friend and/or your worst enemy. Sent by Jennifer W.
Wedding cake cures nymphomania. Sent by Juggy.
Everyone believes in love, but wonders if it exists. Sent by Sushil Choudhari.
You may get off on a cheap hooker, but you can't get off on an affordable lawyer. Sent by Ryan Shuck.
The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl. Sent by Aditya.
The sexier a man is, the more likely he is to be gay. Sent by M.
Being told that someone doesn't want to date you because you're such a good friend is like being told you didn't get the job because you're overqualified. Sent by Vin Burgh.
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Sent by Joe Fox.
The girl/boyfriend who says they are - aren't. Sent by Micah Tolbert.
You don't fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall. Sent by R. Jones.
The best way to get over a woman is to get over another. Sent by Huzaifa Ayaz.
You always need a more patient partner, no matter how patient they are. Sent by Aman J Singh.
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. Sent by Cy Hilterman.
Absence makes the heart wander. Sent by ???.
The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most. Sent by Peter V. Garalde.
If you get it, it will be removed. Sent by Peter V. Garalde.
A person's perfection is proportional to how much you love them. Sent by Safwan Aumari.
A person's imperfection is proportional to how much you hate them. Sent by Safwan Aumari.
Rebillot's Law of Infertility: You never know you are infertile until you try to fertilize. Sent by John Rebillot.
In any married couple, both members think they will be the first to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong. Sent by John Rebillot.
You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone. Sent by Adrian Piñeiro.