Murphy's Nurses Laws

The last thing you want a doctor to say is 'whoops'.

- Brian Breeden

You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.

- Mark Dean

When the clinic opens, the first person in line will not require urgent care.

Fire drills always occur on your day from hell - or at the end of a 12-hour shift when you have an important date.

When you start an IV on an uncooperative patient or deal with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you, and it's that crabby physician you have been paging all morning.

Rest assured that the nurses' notes have not been written when you are in a hurry.

When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.

Despite an apartment littered with clothes, the dog will always sleep on the one clean uniform you had laid out the night before.

If only one solution can be found for a problem, it is usually a stupid solution.

The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after some semi-qualified idiot fills that post.

The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.

The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.

The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed.

Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital increases the parking rates and other charges.

Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help.

If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.

Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk, along with three ambulances, all with cardiac arrests.

Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the boss is watching.

Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

You always forget what you wanted after you get to the supply room.

Nursing Catch-22: If you're running around horribly busy, you're disorganized and must prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work.

Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after a bad night, when you just want to go home to bed.

More fluids will be ordered as soon as you discontinue the IV line.